you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
