Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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