my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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