It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
