Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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