Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
