Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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