I'm really into asian looking animals
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
