I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
