if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my poor anus
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize