i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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