I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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