the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
