her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
