Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
