Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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