i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
