Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
areolas are like halos for boobs.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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