About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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