I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
