remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
