my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
