i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
