dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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