I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
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