I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
