I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
