Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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