just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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