Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
