Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
