It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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