your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
