You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
