A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
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