booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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