He kissed a someone with a penis
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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