remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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