going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
