Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
