Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
