just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
