Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
