YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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