probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
