I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
