I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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