And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
