Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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