This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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