rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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