70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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