and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
