u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
