You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
