I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
